Foghorns and Crickets

so lately i've been struggling with patience. patience in all aspects of life. i won't name the aspects- but just imagine every major "thing" in your life feeling like it's on the cusp of change or even at the "tipping point"... that's where i've been at for the last month or so. and it has kinda sucked to be honest.

you see, for many of these circumstances, i've been waiting for that audible voice to tell me what to do; to say things like, "okay go! do it! I'm backing you!" or "shut that door and move on!" or "not yet, I have something else in mind...". but instead of hearing a foghorn, i'm left with crickets.

not only have i come to embrace these crickets, but with their melody comes an overwhelming sense of peace i find i get when i completely surrender. instead of laying all these "things" and circumstances at the feet of Christ, the only Wise King, i have come to understand that my knuckles have turned white from trying to hold onto them myself.

so i went back to basics. i started with biblical conviction. i don't need an audible voice to tell me what to do all the time; the Word of God says "go!" it says "do!" and it says "love!". i can go, do and love... i can do all these things while waiting patiently for the other "things" in my life to fall into place. and over the past couple weeks, this same piece of scripture has rung loud in my head like a foghorn. it keeps popping up in sermons, in books, and in people: "...but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

playing this waiting game hasn't been fun. and trust me, i like rollercoasters- heck, i even jumped out of a plane!- but this last month or so has been one rager for sure and i haven't been this sick to my stomach in a long time. so as i wait patiently, and pray without doubt (Mark 11:23-25), i can continue to choose joy in the silence. i can choose to love first, no matter how confusing, how painful, how tired or how many lemons keep getting thrown at my face.

charles spurgen said, "we should love with a love that expects death." this means that i can choose to love first and help prepare those around me for the day when they'll see Jesus face to face. on all other accounts- every other playing field, i want this most. to do this, i'm going to let go. i'm laying these "things" down at the cross and walking in joy so i can love harder.

Blessed Are the "Poor"

one of my favorite things to do on a saturday morning is to just take the morning to reminisce of the places i've been and the people i've met. along with that, i like to pray for those i've met, those i will meet, and those who are being persecuted all over the world right now because of pursuing righteousness.

often times i look back and just give thanks for all i have learned through those experiences and from the people i've shared them with.

today, i was looking through some old pictures of my time in el salvador and found this picture of a women who i remember having eyes that smile Christ's love back at you. i was taken back to laboring along side her, her in her sunday best and me in my tank top and old basketball shoes, just being awed by her simplicity and authentic-ness. the fact that she could carry buckets full of sand and rock on the top of her head back and forth in a skirt was quite impressive alone. not only that, but this eloquent and quiet spirit was teaching me what it means to be beautiful.

when i found this picture today, i clicked to enlarge it and i just sat and remembered the realness of the place and people like her. surrounded by beauty, i remember being overwhelmed with a feeling of simple purity. this is a place God had laid his hand on many times before- He loves this place too. "blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom in heaven" popped into my head... "blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.... blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

"blessed" means more than happiness. laughter, pleasure, or earthly prosperity are not promised in this life. to Jesus, "blessed" means the experience of hope and joy, independent of outward circumstances. to find hope and joy, the deepest form of happiness, this woman and others there were following Jesus no matter what the cost. i remember that. through their quiet yet hard-working nature, i saw what it means to be beautiful. with not much variety, no floor in their homes or even having the option of different shoes for basketball and for church, i saw what it means to live simply and to still have joy.

i want to be more beautiful in Christ's eyes. i want to be filled. i want to be persecuted.... if it means i will inherit the kingdom. i want to be real like the character of this woman. maybe the "poor" really are not that poor... maybe they are more rich than we'll ever be here. she is the "poor"; blessed is this woman... this is the person God cares about and who He loves and has such excitement about. i feel blessed to have worked along side her in my small way- even if it is just to know and acknowledge today, while looking at her picture, what simplistic beauty really is.

In Your Freedom

as the 4th rolls around this year, i can't help but think of what it means for america and the freedom this great country can stand on. paralleling that, i peer into my own life and compare myself to many others i know and even those i don't know who do not posses the same freedom i do. whether it be someone across the world in a war-torn country or someone sitting next to me at the coffee shop, i am reminded this week of all those who are not standing free in Christ.

paul wrote to believers in rome about the freedom Christ offers. "i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. the creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. for the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."

romans 8:18-21. with all the suffering and pain in this life, as followers, we can be optimistic because of the hope for future glory we hold to. we know the Word tells us that we have a new heaven and new earth to look forward to because God has promised this. think of all those who are enduring pain across the world and don't know this hope.

one person in my life comes to mind especially when thinking about freedom in Christ Jesus. although this person is a nonbeliever, i believe in joining God in the renewal of all things... i know that my Father is reconciling creation to Himself. i have hope that by my co-laboring with the Holy Spirit, this person might one day be reconciled to the cross. call it hope, call it faith, but i honestly feel that this individual will get to share in the wonders of this promise.

as we watch the fireworks this year and remember what those before us have given up so that you and i can be free here in america, let's remember the One who makes us free.... the One who died at Golgotha so that we could experience this kind of freedom. "it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." galations 5:1

Running Quickly

"after she had given him a drink, she said, "i'll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking." so she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough to feed all of his camels...." (Genesis 24:19-20)

i've been running lately; training for "the great river run" at the end of august. i hate running. i'm not good at it. well, i guess i shouldn't say i hate it because i've actually really wanted to run on days i'm supposed to "rest".... ha! but seriously, it's boring... there's no one to talk to and there's no one to beat except yourself, and sometimes, i loose even then! 

anyhow, as i was getting ready for a run the other day, i remember saying, "God, i reeeally don't want to go running today". and as i was lacing up my second shoe, i heard Him say to me, "I'll go with you, every run".  and with that, i took off.

during that run, i starting thinking about Rebekah's servant heart in Genesis 24. now there's been a lot of commentary and sermons given on this chapter of how men can find wives, but that's not what i get from it. 

brief summary: Isaac needs a wife. his father, Abraham, sends out his servant to find one for him. while praying for guidance, this beautiful girl, Rebekah, walks down to him. he asks her for a drink of water and she "quickly lowered her jar to her hand and gave him a drink". (Genesis 24:18) not only did she quickly do it, she also said she would draw water for all of his camels too. "after she had given him a drink, she said, "i'll draw water for all of your camels too, until they have finished drinking." so she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough for all his camels." (Genesis 24:19-20) 

looking closer at the text, i think this is something more than teaching us how to find a mate... i think this shows us how we can be people who quickly run and lay down our lives for the sake of the lost. i think God is looking for a servant that will quickly run! this is what God's doing throughout the whole earth... commissioning the Holy Spirit to captivate people to be the bride of Christ. the number one characteristic of the bride is.....drumroll......................... a servants heart! 

in this story, he had 10 camels. camels consume 40 gallons of water each. you do the math. she lowered her jar, quickly, into the well to quench the thirst of these 10 camels... that's 400 times (assuming the bucket or jar was a gallon)! and she does it quickly! it must have taken all day! she is a servant. just as Abraham's servant was looking for a servant for Isaac to marry, God too, is looking for a servant-hearted person to be part of His bride. 

i pray that the generation that's being raised up right now realizes that we need to be servants first. we can be about community, social justice, discipleship, etc.- that's all good, but what's at the root of it all? they all branch off of the fact that Jesus Christ deserves the reward of His suffering. we sacrifice and do all that we do because we want Jesus to be beautiful. so we serve the poor and pray our guts out so the world can see the beauty of Jesus.

Jesus says the meek will inherit the earth. i want to be a meek and humble servant, like Rebekah, that runs quickly. so i'm going to go grab my shoes...

Until It's Time to Move On

"...So many times Christians naturally move toward to the conservative candidate due to pro-life issues with abortion, while they ignore the utter disregard for life already being lived out on earth. Is standing up for unborn children enough to negate the disregard for human life already in motion pertaining to the acts of war and sacrifice? Misplaced energy seems to be a re-occurring theme in our society as of late. We're based on hard lined inconsistency and selective conscience. The left and right are far off the mark at this point, but a line must be drawn somewhere. Secondly, Humanity is meant to self destruct itself, i'm sure of it. We are born to be children of purpose and hope, yet we are filled with lies and sow destruction at every turn. We have no regard for others, just selfish gain on all accounts. What a waste my life has been, so many days of this last quarter century....the only thing bringing any validity is God's grace and purpose.... We spend our days sneaking and lying through sleepless patches of existence. We are going to hurt and be hurt. God is the only thing worth living for. I see this clearly at such random points in life. I know it's truth, but only at the most desperate points do I see it so beautifully and clearly. I've given up on this life, but the future is bright. We just have to do our best to push through and seek God in all things until it's time to move on."

-Tim McTague, Underoath

gosh, i just love what Tim is talking about here. so often i feel the same way! if it were possible for me to count the wasted moments and days of absolute stupidity and selfishness of my life compared to the times where i was living with purpose and direction from God, they would be 100/1. i feel trapped in this body, trapped in this apartment, trapped in this country and it's stupid culture... just trapped on this earth. 

sometimes, those clear and beautiful moments Tim is talking about come to me, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. it just so happened to of have happened twice this week. once, as i was talking with an old friend. he was asking me when the "old jenna" was coming back. he proceeded to ask me questions regarding how i've "changed" and why im living the way i'm living. 

as i continued to speak this truth of how the gospel has transformed my heart, i couldn't help but to sit there thinking of how many times i'm "lying through sleepless patches of existence", and how this life is nothing compared to that of the next. a life that doesn't neglect life- the unborn or existing. a life that's filled with endless praise and worship. a life that's not about war and selfishness. that's the life i wanna live for. that's why i wanna wake up every day and proclaim Christ. those are the reasons i choose to live this way i told him.

the second, happened to be last night. i was at a prayer conference sitting in a room with people from all over the nation and even from other parts of the world who are on a mission to pray. i felt convicted again watching those around me fall on their faces to honor and worship their King. their posture showed their heart and their heart was love and honor. they weren't living for their neighbor next to them or any other reason but to reach out to God. we weren't created to be selfish. we weren't created to live for any other thing in this world. i'm reminded of this often and pledge to wake up in the morning and tell myself that i'm not of this place, my home is not here, i'm not living for this world. 

i wanna push through it... i wanna wake up and seek You Father for purpose and direction until it's time to move on.

Does Satan Exist?

I found this really intriguing and was wondering what some of my "followers" or "readers" thought... take a peak at the link below and watch the clips consecutively. I'd say it probably takes 30-45 min to watch them all. I think this is a topic that doesn't get discussed very often and I found it gut-wrenching and eye-opening all at once. I will say, however, that I praise God for those he's created... no matter what their views or opinions are. In each of them, I see God revealed and I am thankful for that.

DOES SATAN EXIST?

What Do I Know of Holy?

what do i know of you father? on earth and heaven above, what do i know of your love? sometimes, i feel so far from you... even when searching and seeking your face. as i continue to seek you, i thank you for the days i get to experience your overwhelming holiness. i pray that you continue to use me in reconciling those lost back to you. i pray that i see your sovereign character and your holiness in every year that i live, every day of every week, every minute of every day... in every person, in every season of life, in every struggle, in every mission- big or small, and in every breath i take. 

you are the great reconciler. you make me strive for holiness. i will give you praise father... even when i fail over and over again at being holy.

'but just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written, "be holy, because i am holy".'

1 peter 1:15-16

'for you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. he was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.'

1 peter 1:18-20

thank you for moments like these in my life. you never cease to amaze me. i'm going to keep chasing you...